I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
