She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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