im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
