The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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