Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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