I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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