GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
