Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
