and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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