Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
