lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
