i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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