I met the friendliest cop last night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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