i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
