At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
