Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
