I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
