i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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