he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
