Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
