if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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