'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
