I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
