I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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