A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
