dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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