Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
