Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
