I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
