Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
