His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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