Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
