It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
