I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
