My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
