i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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