I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
