careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
