My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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