He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
