New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My vagina is officially offended.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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