You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
