If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
