Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
