Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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