John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
