My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
