I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
