i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
