then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
