What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize