how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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