My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
