I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
