A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
