Don't make out with my wife yet
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
