maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
