When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
