well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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