I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
