drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
