Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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