Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
