The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
